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Dec 16, 2014

Lack of compassion/understanding

After being diagnosed with systemic lupus a year ago and finding many people/groups online, I've found a lot of positivity and understanding. I am also one of those fortunate people who has a lot of support in my every day life. My family, my friends, my boyfriend, they all seem to understand my illness without pitying me, or belittling me, yet they are always there when I need some emotional and physical support.

It's important to understand this illness if you know and love someone who has it. Lupus is complicated. It not only affects the person physically, but also emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, it cannot be cured and it can be quite dabilitating at times. For some it is more mild/moderate and for others it's severe. But regardless, we all deal with it's negative impacts on a daily basis. 

Within the lupus community, there is a common complaint that I've noticed - and it can be not only frustrating but demoralizing to deal with - and that is lack of understanding and/or compassion from other people, and loved ones. 

I do not personally come across this issue very often but I wanted to touch on this because it can be so devastating for others who are going through it. 

First of all, if you have a loved one with lupus, no matter what your opinion is, if you are reading this, please take a break, do some research from medical articles and forums/blogs written by people who have it, and then come back to this. I suggest reading "the spoon theory" since it does a very good job of breaking everything down from a personal perspective, to someone who does not know the illness first hand.

 This is a very complex illness that not only affects the sufferer but the people who care for them. A little more understanding goes a long way for all involved.

Imagine being in the shoes of someone with lupus, me for example: my day starts off with A LOT of pain, on a regular basis. When I try to move, my joints are stiff, my tendons crack, my hands, feet, ankles, knees and elbows are swollen. I usually try to loosen up in bed for 5 minutes by stretching and slowly moving, because if I don't, I will have horrible pain for the rest of the day. Showers are amazing.. I can loosen up a lot more and the water really takes care of the pain. But before I have the energy to even wash my hair, I have to take my meds first. And if I don't take them with a snack, I will get nauseated and won't keep them down. This means forcing myself to eat every morning, in pain, with no appetite. So, after my shower, if I'm not careful, I end up hurting my arms and hands and back by drying off, bending too much, and styling my hair without good body Mechanics (if I want it to look good that day. Sometimes I just don't care to go through the trouble.)
If all goes well then by this time my pain level decrease significantly and I can function pretty normal and do some housework, cook, walk the dogs, work out and do something fun, until a few hours later when I need to stop, rest for a minute, and take some advil or aspirin with something to coat my stomach before the pain gets horrific again. But sometimes the pain is so bad that it doesn't go away until the evening, and if I have work that day, it will get worse throughout the shift until I go home and collapse. I take 2400mg of ibuprofen on the regular, with my prescribed tramadol as needed.
That is your day to day life when you have lupus. Typical day! Now imagine doing that with working, school, and/or imagine also having kids! (God bless you moms with lupus out there!) and now imagine doing all that while in a huge flare, and having other health complications from the lupus, or even just having a common cold or virus. The fatigue and pain are already exhausting, but add those things to your day and you're fighting hard as hell just to function and get simple tasks done!
On top of that, flares and complications are just completely unpredictable. You never know when you're gonna be down for the count and completely effing useless. 

By the way, this is quite dumbed down and sugarcoated because I'm not even going to get Into the hospitalizations, kidney problems, seizures and week long migraines I get. 

NOW imagine going through all of that AND having people put you down, nag you, belittle you, neglect you or misunderstand you. 

Luckily, the worst I have dealt with has been random people who throw idiotic comments at me once in a while like:

-"are you sure you have lupus? Are you sure it's not in your head?"

-"you're too young to look so sick and tired"

-"you've lost weight are you starving yourself?"

-"do you have an eating disorder?"

-"you take too many medications"

-"you're a health nut"

-"I wish I could sleep all day on my days off! My husband would yell at me"

-"you're always sick, it's always something with you"

-"maybe you're not eating enough/sleeping enough/(insert something else that implies it's you're fault)

-"why don't you just quit your job/dreams/goals/aspirations and go on disability?" 

And the list goes on and on. But these people aren't close to me. Mostly acquaintances. I can't imagine my loved ones saying such things to me. It would break my heart. 

BUT in retrospect, it goes go both ways. If you have lupus, it does not give you a free pass to make excuses and not at least try. It doesn't give you an excuse to lash out on your loved ones because they are also affected by this and have the right to get upset sometimes. If your loved one is putting in an effort, you need to be there for them as well. HELP EACH OTHER! 

Imagine being a loved one or caregiver of someone with Lupus. For example, maybe your wife has lupus. You come home from a long day of work and the house is a mess, she hasn't showered, she didn't work today, and you haven't really spent quality time with her because she has been feeling very ill. You can't remember the last time you guys went on a date or even had an intimate night together. Yelling at her, belittling her, or blaming her is not going to help solve the problem, in fact, it going to make it much worse. The best thing to do in this situation, is talk. Tell her that you are tired and worn out as well, that you understand she is ill but you are also exhausted. Offer to do the dishes together. Cook together. Make it a team effort. And tell her that you miss spending time with her.

So to anyone reading this, I hope it gave you some perspective and a better understanding. 

And remember, we have lupus but we are still people capable of many things, with a definite purpose in life. You have an illness, but you are NOT your illness. 

Dec 5, 2014

Systemic lupus Q&A

Hello everyone! Over the last year I have collected any questions from people through real life conversations and online. Most of these were taken from my tumblr but some are just things that I am commonly asked. I hope you learn a lot ^.^

What type of lupus do I have and when was I diagnosed? 
I was diagnosed with systemic lupus and Sjögren's syndrome in October of 2013

What is Sjögren's syndrome? It's a systemic Disease similar to lupus and it cmonly accompanies other rheumatic
Diseases such as lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. It is known to cause dry eyes but it affects much more than that. Arthritis, tendonitis, muscle pain kidney disease, vision problems, seizures, lung problems... I would
Like to raise more awareness about this 

Is lupus fatal/life threatening? It can be. It depends on a lot of things. The treatment, taking care of ourselves, keeping appointments, getting regular check ups, eating right. And also, how far the disease had progressed. Other than my connective tissues, my lupus has attacked my brain and kidneys. But I take my treatment plan very seriously and do as my doctor orders. This used to be as deadly as HIV when it was first discovered.. Giving patients 5 years to live. But Most people live a very long time these days thanks to prednisone and other medications.

Has prednisone made me gain a lot of weight? No, but it had helped me stop losing so much and helped me maintain a better appetite. If you are on chemo, like I, you may have trouble keeping things down and getting hungry. Prednisone may help you eat more. If you are concerned about gaining weight, a little self control with food will go a long way. It doesn't just make you gain weight out of thin air, it makes you hungry and giving Into the hunger is what makes people put on the weight. 

What made you seek a diagnosis? 
I ended up in the hospital with swelling and acute renal failure one too many times. My new doctor and I were going over my history and she said it sounded like lupus and then sure enough, it was.

Has it been hard to be a nurse with lupus? It's had its fair share of ups and downs. I literally have to push myself each time I go to work. I have gotten injured around my joints. The fatigue is not fun either. But if you ever need a nurse who understands daily pain and chronic illness, and has true empathy, and won't give up on getting you better, I'm your girl.. I know all about dat :P

Has lupus affected your relationship at all? It's had its moments. I have had seizures and embarrassing things happen that I wish my bf didn't have to see.. But the fact that he's still by my side is what really matters. If you want to be in a relationship you have to accept the limitations of the illness. Sometimes you can't stay out all night. Sometimes you get sick on important dates. And people are going to lose sleep and worry about you when you're in the hospital. But as long as you have someone supportive and you are a support to them, it's do-able, and it can be amazing <333

What's the difference between lupus and fibromyalgia. Although a lot of people with lupus also have fibro caused by the lupus, they are two different things. Not everyone with fibro has lupus. Fibro, to my understanding, is a chronic pain disorder caused by the miscommunication and misfiring of pain nuerons, and pain receptors. I believe it may be more neuro-related. Lupus also causes chronic pain but it is autoimmune. The pain is due to the destruction of healthy joints and tissues because the immune system goes crazy and attacks ones own body and healthy cells. (Auto=self). So basically somewhere down the line my immune system was like "you know what?! Screw you kerry!" ... And then my body attacked itself, causing chronic inflammation and pain. Sad story. *tear*

Are neuro manifestations common with lupus? Common enough to be in the diagnostic criteria for it. There is something called lupus psychosis.  I started
Having seizures and
Losing touch with reality a few times before I was
Diagnosed, which had
Gotten better with treatment for lupus. But before I was diagnosed with lupus they had
Misdiagnosed me with neuro and psych disorders. I was home alone and my eyes started playin tricks on me.. Which lead
To me screaming and crying, which lead to me
Calling the police cause I thought I wasn't alone.. Which lead to a psych consult and me thinking I went crazy lol.
This is why they call this disease "the great imitator" because it can attack anything, anywhere in the body, and be
Mistaken for so many other things. 

Has this disease made your life unmanageable at any point?
Yes at times I could not work. There were times my classmate in nursing school had to rush me to the ER. I get scared driving because I'm afraid I'm gonna get sick in the car or black out. I get scared and anxious when I think of how this diseases made
Me go nuts. But I still manage. It's just not super easy all the time (but who's life really is easy? Lol) 

Do you plan to have children? I would like to have my own but I am also fine with adoption if I can't. 

Well that's it for now guys :) Its been real!! 

Oct 21, 2014

Don't Be THAT Nurse!

I've worked in healthcare for almost a decade now, and I started at the bottom (now we here!)
I worked my way up from a nursing assistant getting 10$ an hour, to a PCA starting at 15$ an hour, to a nurse makin the bigger bucks. (don't you know its rude to ask how much I make now?!) :P

But no matter what my title was, no matter how much I made, I've always made JUST AS MUCH of a difference in my patients lives!

That being said, here are my own personal guidelines that I follow, to be a great and dignified, yet very humble nurse!

The one who walks into a patient's room, is asked for a bedpan, and walks out to call the CNA! Are you f*cking kidding me? That is not only disrespectful to your assistant, like, "here, you do all the shit work!" ..who is probably doing ten other things.. but how could you do that to a patient? What if you had to sh*t and couldn't walk to a bathroom, and someone made you hold it for even 5 minutes because they felt "too good" to help you? Wow. Nice. If you do that, you are either snobby as hell or just straight up lazy! Yes it is the responsibility of the CNA to put patients on bedpans but you were assigned to that same patient, which means you attend to their needs as well. A CNA is ther to assist you not do everything for you. You work as a team and keep the patient's well being at the center of everything, which includes helping them relieve themselves!

Dont be that nurse who thinks you are better than anyone and everyone who makes less money than you. Because where would you be without that person? Everyone is important. Even housekeeping! Whenever I see someone emptying the garbage in a patent's room I thank them. Because if they didn't do it, I would have to, and I'm busy enough!!! That person may have a family to feed, bills to pay, school, and a lot going on in their lives. What makes you think your life has any more value or meaning than theirs? Don't be like that. Everyone matters.

Don't cut too many corners. I get it, we're all so effing busy and overworked, it's hard to do everything exactly by the books. But if you are doing something that is putting a patients safety at risk, that's a no-no. You put the patient in harms way as well as your nursing license, your facility, and everything you worked so hard for. It's not always smart to use short cuts.

Don't treat patient's as if they're just a diagnosis. They are people. Treat them how you'd want another nurse to treat you, or your loved ones. It's only cool when Dr. House treats them like puzzles! ...Even though that's television, or, netflix in my case.

Don't become a PLANT! You know, the nurse who just sits in a chair and charts! Charting is horrendous especially when you're doing it by hand! I know! But charting these days is taking us right away from the bedside! If it's busy and you don't want to forget things, it helps to carry a little book around, and write down the things you need to chart, and the times you did those them. I'm not saying not to chart at all during your shift, that's impossible.. but if it's what you spend majority of each hour doing, it may be taking you away from your patients and actually leave you with more to do at the end of your shift. Plus you don't want to get hemorrhoids do you?!

Don't lose your temper with patients or co-workers. I had a co-worker one time throw a phone at me, and I've been talked down to A LOT by people taking their frustration out on me, and not because I really did anything wrong at the time. It was just a hectic night. It's okay to vent and even stand up for yourself if you feel you have to, but there is always a mature and respectful way to do things. If someone has made a mistake, first confront them like an adult, then go to your supervisor if they don't listen. Do not yell, name call, or get physical. That should be common sense!

Treat everyone with respect
Be humble
Realize that we all work together and are all valuable
Do your part, help others
Answer call lights
Be assertive, and mature
Put your patient needs at the center of everything

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY! Laugh, enjoy yourself, form strong bonds with people. Love what you do! And give yourself credit for ALL THAT YOU DO! The world is a better place because of amazing nurses :)

Oct 1, 2014

Single and bitter much?

Hello friends. First I just want to say that I don't usually critique someone else's writing but I could not help myself here. This article has single and bitter written all over it and I will tell you why below if you don't see it for yourself when you read it. 

"While intimate moments and romantic outings used to be part of a couple’s private life, now we aren’t satisfied until we make every single friend on our feed privy to our dating lives, causing them to weep from loneliness afterward. (You got me, b*tches.)"

First off, most people (single and not single) put details of their lives and memories on the internet, especially the positive ones. Facebook isn't supposed to be an open book to the suffering and crappy things we go through, even though some of us do reach out when we are having a bad day. A little too much sometimes...
I do believe there is a good message in your article, telling people to just live life rather than take constant pictures of it. I will give you that.

When I was single, seeing pictures of happy couples didn't make me bitter or sad. I didn't NEED a relationship to make me happy. I was secure with myself and my life on my own. 
So why do so many people feel the need to hate on genuinely happy couples? 
Just because a relationship isn't perfect doesn't mean everyone's is a total lie. Jeez! 

"The better the pictures, the more likely they are to be a misrepresentation. (But if you’re going to dump your relationship on social media, remember to go with Lo-Fi. It never fails.)"

Is that what you tell yourself when you are sitting on your couch with your ice cream, looking at all the happy little couples on IG? 

So then the rest of the article is just a bunch of random pictures and dopey explanations of how your relationship is a lie.. One of these reasons being that he cooked you spaghettios...

So, with that all being said, I do agree that some couples really are unhappy and pose to be happy. But next time you write about it, try not to make it come off as if it's about ALL the happy couples!

It's all in the tone. To the author, your article has a very bitter tone, and weak points. 
As mine is very sarcastic, to the point, and clearly making fun of yours. 

Better luck on the next one! :)

Aug 11, 2014

What is love?

I believe that in order to be happy with someone else you need to find yourself and be happy with that person first.

I met my boyfriend 4 years ago. Although I always thought he was a catch, I hadn't "found myself" yet at that point, and something in my gut told me that he's the type of guy I could be really serious with. My stepmom already knew him and spoke highly of him.. And when I met him I could tell that he is a really good guy. Not only that but very attractive :)
...But I knew I wasn't ready.  :/

I continued to work on myself for two years after that, and then my aunt, who was like a second mother to me, suddenly passed away. I was there through everything. I found her in a coma on a Wednesday morning, and I held her hand on Thursday afternoon as she was taken off of life support. I watched someone I loved so deeply, just slip away.
It was at that point that I realized how short life is, and it also gave me another perspective on love.
When you love people, you should treat them as if you could lose them at any time. Sad, but true.

After she passed I did find myself feeling guilty for things I said and did to her, like bumping heads before I had my coffee and things like that. But I had to forgive myself. She wouldn't want me to focus on the negative.

I also learned that time should not be wasted on letting anyone hurt you. Time should be spent mostly on those who treat you well.

If there is one thing I truly regret, it's not spending enough time with my Aunt. In fact I used to spend more time on people who didn't love me, and didn't treat me well. And when she passed I wished that time was spent on her.
We lived together and saw each other every day but I wish I could sit with her one more time, watch one more episode of Seinfeld or even have one more stupid argument before I have my coffee.
Sometimes you don't realize how much you love being around someone, until you lose them.

So, I learned to not take good people for granted.

6 months after she passed, that awesome guy from years ago, who is now my current boyfriend, asked me out for coffee, which turned into a bunch of dates. And that lead to him asking me to be his girlfriend, which resulted in me being extremely happy and in love to this day. :)

This time, I knew I was ready. I was still a little vulnerable from having lost my Aunt, but I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me. And he hasn't.. He did the complete opposite.
He has taught me that being strong doesn't mean just going through things alone, but knowing who you can trust to help you.

He became my best friend, someone that I could always talk to when I was sad but also someone who I could be extremely happy with.

He brought out a brighter side of me. And that's what love should do. No relationship is perfect, no human being is perfect, but for the most part, you should be content and happy when you're with someone.

So what is love?

Something I had to learn about, and be ready for. Something that I learned to have for myself. Something that brings out the best in people. Something that should not be taken for granted.

And most importantly,
A strong love stays with you,
Even after the person is gone.
[[ Rest in Paradise Aunt Sue,
Love you always. ]] </3

Jun 2, 2014

I am not my illness

It's hard.
those of you with chronic illness know it all too well. You get stuck inside your head, and your body takes over your mind. You start to feel like a "weak person" instead of a strong person with an illness. And you start to want to "give up the fight" and just let it all take over.

If you know this feeling all too well, please keep reading.

There are different psychological stages of illness. When I was first diagnosed, I was in denial. I thought that this was just a phase that I could reverse. I thought that diet and healthy lifestyle could make it all go away. I didn't listen when my doctor gave me a note to give to my boss, to take me out of work. Or when he gave me a prescription for some heavy-duty meds to help me. I threw it all away and barely told anyone about the illness for 2 months. 

Then I ended up in the hospital. Still, I refused to take the medications or stop working. It didn't occur to me that I was "sick" because I was STILL in denial.

I shouldn't have been doing certain things by myself but I refused to ask for help when I needed it. I would do house work and clean by myself, and then lay in bed for hours instead of cooking or eating. I sacrificed certain tasks for other tasks. If I wanted to do the dishes, I had to put off cleaning my car til the next day. I did this for a while until I lost the ability to do most things at all.

People became concerned because I was losing weight, getting confused, sores all over me, I was pale, my house and car were complete messes, and I was just not acting like myself. Rumors started that I had an eating disorder. And truth is, I was border-lining one. I wasn't anorexic, but I had sworn off all food that wasn't organic and gluten free, and sometimes I would even throw food away if it touched another food that wasn't "healthy" to me. I didn't realize how warped my mentality became until a friend put a piece of her chicken on my plate of fruit, and I freaked out, and threw the plate away because it was "contaminated." She got really upset and had a talk with me, and I started to realize something was wrong with me.

One person even asked me if I had been checked for breast cancer and things like that, because of how sick I was started to look. It was during this time that I started to be honest with others about my illness because I didn't want people thinking I had cancer or anorexia. 

I finally started to realize that I was ill, not only physically, but I was becoming mentally ill, but I still was not accepting any of it. I was convinced that if I was "really sick" that I must be responsible for for it, so I continued to eat a certain way and change my lifestyle to "reverse" the illness. I ended up in the hospital a handful more times, and then one of my doctors said, "if you don't listen to me, you're going to die."

Funny thing is, at that point, I wanted to. I never felt good anymore and my mental health was deteriorating because of my physical illness and my inability to accept it and do what I had to do. But I thought of my loved ones. My family, my boyfriend, my friends. I couldn't let myself just die and leave them to wonder why I didn't fight harder, why I didn't do it for them, if not for me. So, I did it for them. I took my meds and I let my doctor take me out of work. But I stayed in school and I got through it. 

I then entered the "sick role" and started to let people help me. I accepted the fact that I could no longer do certain things for myself. And it was one of the hardest transitions of my life! I am independent and love to help others.. I do not like being the patient. I felt inadequate and dependent, and weak.

But over the next 6 months I noticed myself transitioning, from a "sick" person, to a person who fought so hard to get better. The recovery phase. And that was the greatest transition I have ever experienced in my life. I listened to my doctors and I did what I had to do and eventually I was able to go back to work and I became more independent again. It is still a constant battle, because my medications have nasty side effects, and I am not in remission yet. I still wake up in pain and I still sometimes wish I didn't wake up at all. I still have trouble eating and maintaining my weight. I still have days where I want to flush all my meds down the toilet, or throw them out the car window when I have to pull over from the nausea. But in years to come, this may all just be a thing of the past.

Because I accepted the fact that I was sick, I was able to get better.

I see a lot of people go through these phases and get stuck in some of them. Whereas I was stuck in denial, others can get stuck in the "sick phase" and they hold themselves back from getting better. They get used to being dependent on others and their disease becomes a crutch. I never went through that myself but I know people who have, and it's not a way to live.

I understand that there are illnesses that make people dependent for the rest of their lives. It is important for people with these illnesses to maintain whatever independence they still have, but not feel guilty or inadequate for the things they can no longer to for themselves. 

Whatever phase you are in, whatever illness you have.. just remember.. YOU ARE NOT YOUR ILLNESS. You HAVE an illness. 

Sometimes I lose sight of the positive and courageous person I have become, when I focus on the fact that I physically feel weak, and sick, and tired a lot of times. My body is so exhausted right now, from the disease, and the meds I'm taking to fight it. This has been a battle for quite some time now. I am better but when I have my bad days, they are pretty horrid. But the trick is to keep my mind strong, and not lose sight of who I am. Because I am not my illness. 

Jan 16, 2014



*RAISES HAND, along with, everyone else in the world...*

Every single person in this world has been judged ...Unless they are still in utero. (CAUSE NO ONE JUDGES A FETUS!)

I'll be honest here, it's been ingrained in me since I could remember, to seek approval of others.

I've always valued the opinions of others because I am very self aware, sometimes too self conscious, AND I'm a major people pleaser. I deeply consider how others think and feel and I truly want to meet their expectations. I've wasted a lot of time tryig to make people happy with who I am. I had to learn that it's okay to just be happy with myself.

After a lot of growing, self searching, and maturing, I have come to realize that we simply cannot please everyone. And, there will be people out there who are going to dislike me, and disrespect me, no matter how awesome I may be! No matter how many people DO like me!

I see a lot of people caring way too much about what others think and say about them - And since I used to feel so similar, I want to help.

I see it on the internet AND in real life. And it pains me to see people become so sensitive to the opinions of others, which are often not very valid.

A little tid bit about me: I am one of the most self critical people you will ever come to know. I spent my whole life as a child and adult, trying to be good enough for others and myself. Until a couple of years ago I wondered why I could never meet those standards. In a way, I am a perfectionist. There's a little voice in my head that often tells me that I am not good enough and that I need to be better. I've also had a lot of other people in my past make it clear that I'm not good enough for them. And I finally realized, I never will be good enough for certain people, so I'll try harder to be good enough for me.

This included years of therapy and work on myself, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

I found it in myself eventually, to turn off those insecurity buttons that people knew how to push. I realized that I don't need to explain or defend myself all the time, because I KNOW IN MY HEART, that I have nothing to be ashamed of. END OF STORY. So ow a days, I really try to move on from other peoples' judgements, and opinions.

I want to help others overcome these insecurities and triggers as well, so I've made a list of guidelines to follow:


1) WHO is this person triggering you? Are they close to you? Someone who knows you well enough to make that call? No? Then let it go. If they are someone you really value and trust, then re-consider their intention, and what they are saying. 

2) WHAT are they saying? Is it mean? Constructive? Why is it triggering you? Is it something you need to work on, and is there any truth to it? Or is it simply just meant to hurt you? If it's constructive, work on yourself. Take it as a good thing, something to improve, and be positive about it. If it's disrespectful or meant to hurt you, let it go. It's not coming from a good place, so don't even entertain it.

3) HOW is it being said? Was it in a private, respectful manner, coming from a good place, from someone who wants to help you? Or was it said in public, to embarrass you? Was this person's intention to help you or to shame you?

4) WHY is it being said? Was it said to help you overcome something, or to stop a certain behavior of yours? Or was it said to make you feel bad about yourself? and WHY is it bothering you? Does it trigger some irrational insecurity YOU HAVE about yourself? Or can you use it to constructively work on yourself? 

5) SO.. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REACT? Are you going to let it go? Or is this something that needs to be dealt with? You can use the previous guidelines to help you determine how you will handle this criticism. BUT I will say, for all reasons, all purposes, EVERYTHING is handled best in a private, calm, non-dramatic matter! Defending yourself in public or in an angry or dramatic nature, is ALWAYS going to be the wrong way to handle anything. The more you train yourself to maturely handle situations, the better you will feel about yourself.

I HAD to set these guidelines for myself to make progress. I had to STOP being so hard on myself and I HAD TO stop letting others get to me! Even people who I was close to! I had to wake up and realize that their words, their actions, their anger, had very little to actually do WITH ME!

There are a lot of people in mind when writing this. I really hope this can help you guys.

The videos below were made for not only myself, to stop caring about what others think, but also to help other people. The one about me being naked, is my ridiculous over-the-top way of saying, hey look, I'm going to give you the illusion that I am completely exposed and post it anyway. I don't care if you're judging me. ;)

And remember guys,

Jan 12, 2014

You know you have an anger problem when...


You like being alone because most people piss you off.

You have been called "butt hurt" by a younger sibling or your acquaintances, quite frequently.

Your social networking sites are full of personal dilemmas that annoy/anger/target other people.

If people are hiding your posts in their news feeds, which you wouldn't really know about because everyone would just deny it to avoid confrontation. Skip this one.

If you have gotten out of a car to confront a shitty driver who cut you off.

If you have followed people who cut you off.

If you frequently argue in the car with people.

If people jump out of moving cars to get away from you.

If people generally just avoid you in every single way possible.

If you have assaulted another human being.

If you have assaulted another human being at a children's birthday party.

If that person was a clown it doesn't count. I hate clowns.

If you spend most of your time yelling.

If you spend most of your time trolling the internet.

If you answered yes to most of these things...

If you can relate to majority of this you may have an anger problem. My advice is to remove the stick, which has been plugging up your ass. You may be a bit backed up. But don't worry, there is help out there for you! 

Just kidding, you're screwed.


Jan 11, 2014

To a power greater than myself

I wrote a letter today. I put it in the box that I keep letters to Aunt Sue. This one wasn't specifically for her, it was to any kind of power greater than myself...

"Please guide me, help me to overcome my weaknesses. Help me become better, greater, stronger, and wiser. Help me love and treat others the best that I can, and please help me show the same greatness, the same kindness, to myself."

Dec 31, 2013

2013 - 2014 / A New Path

So once upon a time,
it was January 1, 2013. 

I distinctly remember, sitting on my couch quietly, wondering, what will this year bring? I had just lost Aunt Sue, 3 months before this. But I had this feeling, that no matter what happened next, I'd survive it. 

I decided that day, as long as I'm alive, I'm going to live

I've accepted that I'm going to feel loss, and pain. Sometimes feeling pain is what makes us alive. Lets us know that our hearts are still beating, that we have things to lose, things to live for...

 Just another part of life, along with it's counterpart, happiness.

I decided that day, to make the most out of life 
because nothing is certain, 
but I'm certain I will live, as long as I'm alive.

I will make the most out of my life, and inspire others do the same.

Things that I've accomplished in 2013:

-Managed to maintain a 3.6 GPA through nursing school thus far, and I'm graduating January 24, 2014. An awesome way to start off the new year! 

Shout out to my amazing Dad for being there for me 100% while I'm in school full time! Couldn't have done this without his support!

-I made a lot of funnies this year, and a lot of people laughed.

-I help a lot of elderly people in my condo complex and this year I may have saved two of their lives (and their hips). I'm like always the one discovering elderly people in trouble. Maybe I have a calling to save all the adorable helpless wrinkly people in the world!

-I met, and grew close to many good people this year. My classmates are awesome! And my girl Christine, if you are reading this, you're a true blessing in my life and I'm so glad we met! Love you big sis <33

-I am bettering my lifestyle after being diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease. I overcame the mental, emotional, and physical obstacles that this disease has caused, and I'm only going to keep growing stronger from it! It's taught me a lot about staying positive!

-And, last but not least
I met this amazing guy, and not only gained another best friend this year, but a boyfriend. Two for one! I dig it.
And along with this new relationship I also gained a new perspective on life. You lose some people, but then you gain some. Or as my Aunt Judy put it, you lose one angel and God sends you another. 

The holidays made me realize a lot. I have lost people, I have been through a lot, but I have gained so much. There are so many people, there is so much love, and so much support. 
So much strength in myself. 
And so much to live for. <3

So, goodbye to 2013,
And hello to the rest of my beautiful life!

Happy New Year!!!