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Jun 30, 2014

I miss you tons

Something had been bothering me the last few weeks and I didn't know exactly what, until now.

My Grandpa Bill passed away June 16, 2009. Amazing how out internal clocks recognize dates before we do. It's like my subconscious knew. 

I had a special relationship with him. Lived with him for the first 4 years of my life and he was like a father figure. I followed him everywhere and sat on his lap while we watched tv. When he got surgery on his foot I sat next to him with my leg up too. When he went to the bathroom I sat outside the door. "Grandpa are you done yet? Come play!" 

I used to put silly girly clips in his hair and he'd forget and walk out the door to the supermarket with them still on his head.  We were so close, you could not seperate us. 

When he got older and couldn't take care of himself, I helped aunt sue take care of him. I was returning the favor.. Cause he took care of me when I was a baby. 

I helped get him up in the morning when I didn't have class. Sat him outside on the deck to have breakfast. Got him into bed for naps, and helped put him into bed at night.

I stayed with him when aunt sue had to get out of the house. We watched tv together. Played games together. He even helped me with my homework because although he lost his abilities to do daily tasks, he never lost his intelligence. 

I sang to him before he passed away. Let it be. And last night I heard my coworker humming it and it jogged my memory. 

Wonder if that was him, trying to say something? 

Anyway, I just miss him a lot. It was not a chore to care for him, it was a privilege. 

But he's somewhere in the afterlife, with my grandma. May you both rest in peace. 

Jun 2, 2014

I am not my illness

It's hard.
those of you with chronic illness know it all too well. You get stuck inside your head, and your body takes over your mind. You start to feel like a "weak person" instead of a strong person with an illness. And you start to want to "give up the fight" and just let it all take over.

If you know this feeling all too well, please keep reading.

There are different psychological stages of illness. When I was first diagnosed, I was in denial. I thought that this was just a phase that I could reverse. I thought that diet and healthy lifestyle could make it all go away. I didn't listen when my doctor gave me a note to give to my boss, to take me out of work. Or when he gave me a prescription for some heavy-duty meds to help me. I threw it all away and barely told anyone about the illness for 2 months. 

Then I ended up in the hospital. Still, I refused to take the medications or stop working. It didn't occur to me that I was "sick" because I was STILL in denial.

I shouldn't have been doing certain things by myself but I refused to ask for help when I needed it. I would do house work and clean by myself, and then lay in bed for hours instead of cooking or eating. I sacrificed certain tasks for other tasks. If I wanted to do the dishes, I had to put off cleaning my car til the next day. I did this for a while until I lost the ability to do most things at all.

People became concerned because I was losing weight, getting confused, sores all over me, I was pale, my house and car were complete messes, and I was just not acting like myself. Rumors started that I had an eating disorder. And truth is, I was border-lining one. I wasn't anorexic, but I had sworn off all food that wasn't organic and gluten free, and sometimes I would even throw food away if it touched another food that wasn't "healthy" to me. I didn't realize how warped my mentality became until a friend put a piece of her chicken on my plate of fruit, and I freaked out, and threw the plate away because it was "contaminated." She got really upset and had a talk with me, and I started to realize something was wrong with me.

One person even asked me if I had been checked for breast cancer and things like that, because of how sick I was started to look. It was during this time that I started to be honest with others about my illness because I didn't want people thinking I had cancer or anorexia. 

I finally started to realize that I was ill, not only physically, but I was becoming mentally ill, but I still was not accepting any of it. I was convinced that if I was "really sick" that I must be responsible for for it, so I continued to eat a certain way and change my lifestyle to "reverse" the illness. I ended up in the hospital a handful more times, and then one of my doctors said, "if you don't listen to me, you're going to die."

Funny thing is, at that point, I wanted to. I never felt good anymore and my mental health was deteriorating because of my physical illness and my inability to accept it and do what I had to do. But I thought of my loved ones. My family, my boyfriend, my friends. I couldn't let myself just die and leave them to wonder why I didn't fight harder, why I didn't do it for them, if not for me. So, I did it for them. I took my meds and I let my doctor take me out of work. But I stayed in school and I got through it. 

I then entered the "sick role" and started to let people help me. I accepted the fact that I could no longer do certain things for myself. And it was one of the hardest transitions of my life! I am independent and love to help others.. I do not like being the patient. I felt inadequate and dependent, and weak.

But over the next 6 months I noticed myself transitioning, from a "sick" person, to a person who fought so hard to get better. The recovery phase. And that was the greatest transition I have ever experienced in my life. I listened to my doctors and I did what I had to do and eventually I was able to go back to work and I became more independent again. It is still a constant battle, because my medications have nasty side effects, and I am not in remission yet. I still wake up in pain and I still sometimes wish I didn't wake up at all. I still have trouble eating and maintaining my weight. I still have days where I want to flush all my meds down the toilet, or throw them out the car window when I have to pull over from the nausea. But in years to come, this may all just be a thing of the past.

Because I accepted the fact that I was sick, I was able to get better.

I see a lot of people go through these phases and get stuck in some of them. Whereas I was stuck in denial, others can get stuck in the "sick phase" and they hold themselves back from getting better. They get used to being dependent on others and their disease becomes a crutch. I never went through that myself but I know people who have, and it's not a way to live.

I understand that there are illnesses that make people dependent for the rest of their lives. It is important for people with these illnesses to maintain whatever independence they still have, but not feel guilty or inadequate for the things they can no longer to for themselves. 

Whatever phase you are in, whatever illness you have.. just remember.. YOU ARE NOT YOUR ILLNESS. You HAVE an illness. 

Sometimes I lose sight of the positive and courageous person I have become, when I focus on the fact that I physically feel weak, and sick, and tired a lot of times. My body is so exhausted right now, from the disease, and the meds I'm taking to fight it. This has been a battle for quite some time now. I am better but when I have my bad days, they are pretty horrid. But the trick is to keep my mind strong, and not lose sight of who I am. Because I am not my illness. 

May 1, 2014


I do not need you in my life, 
nor do I want you in my life, anymore.
And I am not obligated 
to feel guilty about that AT ALL.

To every parent out there - You gave your child life, but that does not give you the right,

to destroy it, control it, or own it. Your love should be unconditional, and your intentions should be pure.

I've learned that blood isn't always thicker than water. 
Family is not defined by blood,
it's defined by character.
The willingness to love with no limits.
The selflessness to make sacrifices.
The will to lift someone up when they are down.
The maturity to set aside your own problems, and make good examples.
Your children should not be made responsible for your mistakes.
For your bitterness,
Or your lack of love.

If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it.
This is my outlet, and I need it more than I ever needed you.

My heart is heavy. I always tried to do right by you. 
I spent my whole life questioning myself and wondering how I could be good enough for you.
But you never loved me like I love you. And it's clear to me that you never will.
You were not, and still are not capable of loving me unconditionally.
You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. 

You've made it very clear, how cold you really are.
I don't need to carry this heavy heart around anymore.
I don't deserve to be treated this way and I never did.

You were never capable of putting me first.
You were never capable of protecting me.
You weren't capable of simply just being there.
And when you were there during the worst time of my life,
you only made it so much worse.

Aunt Sue is looking down, in disgust. AT YOU.
When you bad mouth her. Just remember 
who's money you're spending.
And remember, she raised me, 
with no support from you.
She did your job. And she did it well. 
I will forever be thankful for her.
She is the reason I have grown
into a stable young woman.

I saw the monster in you take over, like I have so many times before
This time was by far the worst..
And what's worse, you covered it all up with lies.
And I pity the fools who believed them.
You like to believe you are a victim,
You are only a victim to yourself.

And that's just it. I don't need you. You are like a weight on my shoulders.

All my life it was all about protecting you, making you happy, making you love me…
And I've realized, I need to protect myself. FROM YOU.
I deserve to be happy.
And I love myself, and that is enough.
You care more about what people think of you,
than being there for your own children.
I don't want your love anymore. It isn't real.
Everything still strongly affects me to this day.
The anger, the pain, the resentment, It's too much to carry.. 
But this is my outlet.I'm letting it all go.

I'm letting YOU go. Cause I DON'T  need you.

From now on, 
I will replace all my thoughts of you,
with thoughts of people who are good to me.

Like these people:

Now, you are out of sight, out of mind.

I have too much love in my life and there's no room for unkind people anymore.

Jan 16, 2014



*RAISES HAND, along with, everyone else in the world...*

Every single person in this world has been judged ...Unless they are still in utero. (CAUSE NO ONE JUDGES A FETUS!)

I'll be honest here, it's been ingrained in me since I could remember, to take what people think to heart, and to long for the approval of others.

I've always valued the opinions of others because I am very self aware, sometimes too self conscious, AND I'm a major people pleaser. I deeply consider how others think and feel and I truly want to meet their expectations. That unfortunately has always included making people happy with who I am. I had to learn that it's okay to just be happy with myself.

After a lot of growing, self searching, and maturing, I have come to realize that we simply cannot please everyone. And, there will be people out there who are going to dislike me, and disrespect me, no matter how awesome I may be! No matter how many people DO like me!

I am not trying to call out anyone here, only trying to help because I've been where certain people are. But, I see a lot of people caring way too much about what others think and say about them - myself included at times.

I see it on the internet AND in real life. And it pains me to see people become so sensitive to the opinions of others, which are often not very valid.

A little tid bit about me: I am one of the most self critical people you will ever come to know. I spent my whole life as a child and adult, trying to be good enough for others and myself. Until a couple of years ago I wondered why I could never meet those standards. In a way, I am a perfectionist. There's a little voice in my head that often tells me that I am not good enough. I've also had a lot of other people in my past make it clear that I'm not good enough for them. And I finally realized, I never will be good enough for certain people, so I'll try harder to be good enough for me.

This included years of therapy and work on myself, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

Recently my insecurities were tested once again, by the cruel things said by others. When people talk about my aunt or my Lupus, those are very sore subjects to say the least.

At first my buttons were pushed. I started beating myself up and my defenses went up. I wanted to clear the air, make it known that my illness doesn't make me weak, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for posting a lot about my Aunt and still grieving her. Then I realized, who am I going to try and convince, them, or myself?

And shortly after this triggering, I found it in myself, to turn off those buttons they'd pushed. I realized that I don't need to explain or defend myself, because I KNOW IN MY HEART, that I have nothing to be ashamed of. END OF STORY. So I moved on.

I want to help others overcome these insecurities and triggers as well, so I've made a list of guidelines to follow:


1) WHO is this person triggering you? Are they close to you? Someone who knows you well enough to make that call? No? Then let it go. If they are someone you really value and trust, then re-consider their intention, and what they are saying. 

2) WHAT are they saying? Is it mean? Constructive? Why is it triggering you? Is it something you need to work on, and is there any truth to it? Or is it simply just meant to hurt you? If it's constructive, work on yourself. Take it as a good thing, something to improve, and be positive about it. If it's disrespectful or meant to hurt you, let it go. It's not coming from a good place, so don't even entertain it.

3) HOW is it being said? Was it in a private, respectful manner, coming from a good place, from someone who wants to help you? Or was it said on a public site, or around other people, with anger? Was this person's intention to help you or to shame you?

4) WHY is it being said? Was it said to help you overcome something, or to stop a certain behavior of yours? Or was it said to make you feel bad about yourself? and WHY is it bothering you? Does it trigger some irrational insecurity YOU HAVE about yourself? Or can you use it to constructively work on yourself? 

5) SO.. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REACT? Are you going to let it go? Or is this something that needs to be dealt with? You can use the previous guidelines to help you determine how you will handle this criticism. BUT I will say, for all reasons, all purposes, EVERYTHING is handled best in a private, calm, non-dramatic matter! Defending yourself in public in an angry or dramatic nature, is ALWAYS going to be the wrong way to handle anything. The more you train yourself to maturely handle situations, the better you will feel about yourself.

I HAD to set these guidelines for myself to make progress. I had to STOP being so hard on myself and I HAD TO stop letting others get to me! Even people who I was close to! I had to wake up and realize that their words, their actions, their anger, had very little to actually do WITH ME!

There are a lot of people in mind when writing this. I really hope this can help you guys.

The videos below were made for not only myself, to stop caring about what others think, but also to help other people. The one about me being naked, is my ridiculous over-the-top way of saying, hey look, I'm going to give you the illusion that I am completely exposed and post it anyway. I don't care if you're judging me. ;)

And remember guys,

Jan 12, 2014

You know you have an anger problem when...


You like being alone because most people piss you off.

You have been called "butt hurt" by a younger sibling or your acquaintances, quite frequently.

Your social networking sites are full of personal dilemmas that annoy/anger/target other people.

If people are hiding your posts in their news feeds, which you wouldn't really know about because everyone would just deny it to avoid confrontation. Skip this one.

If you have gotten out of a car to confront a shitty driver who cut you off.

If you have followed people who cut you off.

If you frequently argue in the car with people.

If people jump out of moving cars to get away from you.

If people generally just avoid you in every single way possible.

If you have assaulted another human being.

If you have assaulted another human being at a children's birthday party.

If that person was a clown it doesn't count. I hate clowns.

If you spend most of your time yelling.

If you spend most of your time trolling the internet.

If you answered yes to most of these things...

If you can relate to majority of this you may have an anger problem. My advice is to remove the stick, which has been plugging up your ass. You may be a bit backed up. But don't worry, there is help out there for you! 

Just kidding, you're screwed.


Jan 11, 2014

To a power greater than myself

I wrote a letter today. I put it in the box that I keep letters to Aunt Sue. This one wasn't specifically for her, it was to any kind of power greater than myself...

"Please guide me, help me to overcome my weaknesses. Help me become better, greater, stronger, and wiser. Help me love and treat others the best that I can, and please help me show the same greatness, the same kindness, to myself."

Dec 31, 2013

2013 - 2014 / A New Path

So once upon a time,
it was January 1, 2013. 

I distinctly remember, sitting on my couch quietly, wondering, what will this year bring? I had just lost Aunt Sue, 3 months before this. But I had this feeling, that no matter what happened next, I'd survive it. 

I decided that day, as long as I'm alive, I'm going to live

I've accepted that I'm going to feel loss, and pain. Sometimes feeling pain is what makes us alive. Lets us know that our hearts are still beating, that we have things to lose, things to live for...

 Just another part of life, along with it's counterpart, happiness.

I decided that day, to make the most out of life 
because nothing is certain, 
but I'm certain I will live, as long as I'm alive.

I will make the most out of my life, and inspire others do the same.

Things that I've accomplished in 2013:

-Managed to maintain a 3.6 GPA through nursing school thus far, and I'm graduating January 24, 2014. An awesome way to start off the new year! 

Shout out to my amazing Dad for being there for me 100% while I'm in school full time! Couldn't have done this without his support!

-I made a lot of funnies this year, and a lot of people laughed.

-I help a lot of elderly people in my condo complex and this year I may have saved two of their lives (and their hips). I'm like always the one discovering elderly people in trouble. Maybe I have a calling to save all the adorable helpless wrinkly people in the world!

-I met, and grew close to many good people this year. My classmates are awesome! And my girl Christine, if you are reading this, you're a true blessing in my life and I'm so glad we met! Love you big sis <33

-I am bettering my lifestyle after being diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease. I overcame the mental, emotional, and physical obstacles that this disease has caused, and I'm only going to keep growing stronger from it! It's taught me a lot about staying positive!

-And, last but not least
I met this amazing guy, and not only gained another best friend this year, but a boyfriend. Two for one! I dig it.
And along with this new relationship I also gained a new perspective on life. You lose some people, but then you gain some. Or as my Aunt Judy put it, you lose one angel and God sends you another. 

The holidays made me realize a lot. I have lost people, I have been through a lot, but I have gained so much. There are so many people, there is so much love, and so much support. 
So much strength in myself. 
And so much to live for. <3

So, goodbye to 2013,
And hello to the rest of my beautiful life!

Happy New Year!!!

Dec 2, 2013


Choosing to be racist in this day and age is old news. It's like choosing to sh*t outside when you have indoor plumbing.

HEY! Why use a toilet when you can do it old school and sh*t in a hole in your backyard? By choice!?
Yeah, it's a way of the past, and so it makes no sense to do that now.

It's the same thing with a racist mindset. You are living in the past, for what reason? Choosing to view the world with closed eyes, a closed mind, and a cold heart.. how is that beneficial to anyone? Including yourself?

There's no intelligent reasoning behind racism. It's straight up ignorant.

The way I see it, being racist is being lazy. It's the lack of motivation and will power to open up your mind. I don't care if you grew up with racist parents. I don't care if your whole town is racist. Grow up, be stronger than that, and choose to think like an individual. If they all jumped off a bridge would you? If you say yes then you're probably better off.

Check out the video below for the latest shenanigan. I think it's safe to say that ignorance and racism is still very much a part of this world today, and it's quite disheartening. But at least more and more people are seeing it for what it really is, pathetic and wrong.

Anyway, that's just my two cents.

What did one racist say to the other?

Nov 26, 2013

Let's talk about sex (WARNING: TMI)

My inner pervert would like to tell you all about different types of people, and how they relate to sex.

So here goes...

"Innocent People" - Shy in large social situations.. They tend to be really loud and aggressive in bed. This is because their shy nature shelters them from being themselves around many people they aren't close with. All that bottled up angst comes out and it's like HOLY KUMQUATS WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY SOCIALLY AWKWARD GIRLFRIEND?! 

The "perfectionists" and "self critics" swing back and forth between complete submission to being the total aggressor. They make sure that their "safe words" are properly pronounced and politically correct. On one hand, they seek to be "punished" for their "mistakes" in life, by submitting themselves to their significant other. They secretly (or maybe not so secretly) love to be man-handled. On the other hand, in times that they want control, they like to be aggressive and sexually attack their significant other whilst pretending that he doesn't want it. BUT IT'S NOT REALLY RAPE IF HE IS WILLING!

And then there are the closet freaks - SO, you accidentally stumbled upon a page from a porno magazine on a playground when you were a little girl. It was a picture of a woman giving a man oral sex. You could not wrap your mind around it so you became terrified of it, and you were like OMG WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!? WHAT IF SOMEONE DOES THAT TO ME? HOLY GOD I MUST AVOID EVERYONE WITH A PENIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! ....And then you grew out of that fear and became a complete closet pervert thinking about sex all the time..... until you admitted it on your blog and now everyone knows about it.....

By the way this is all BS (or maybe it's not?)  Maybe it IS about you too?! Anyway OH MY GAWD I AM A SICK INDIVIDUAL.

...Ya think?

Dear self I accept you for who you are, you freaking weirdo.

Nov 22, 2013

The poem without a name...?

So uh, this one doesn't have a title. I don't think I should give it one until I think of a good one. It's one of those poems that has a lot of meaning, and that's why you'll probably read it and be all like, 
But I dig it, you know, cause I wrote it, so I get it, and stuff.

There and back,
Up and down
The radiance 
Is burning out

Don't let them down 
Stay with them now

But that glimmer I've got
It's fading out

Time takes me away
Every now and then
But I don't have to go
I don't have to go just yet

Try to hold
Onto this hope
It's everything
That's what I'm told

Don't let them down
Stay with them now
But that vibe I had
It's burning out

And it takes me away
Every now and then

And I never know 
When I'll be back again
But I cannot come home 
Not just yet

There and back
Up and down

-K. Lynne